Black.

That is all I'm feeling now. Oh, and empty. I try to be a good friend. I mean, I really, really, pour my entire heart into every friendship I have. Does that make me overbearing?

I guess I assume that because the first thing I want to do when I have a problem is call a friend, my friends must always want someone to talk to, too. And when they don't ask for my help, I offer it to them. In my mind, this means that I am attentive, that I pick up on when my friends are feeling low and try my best to make them feel better again. But, maybe some people perceive it differently.

I have been best friends with M. for about a year. I know it doesn't seem like that long, but trust me, we are as close as sisters. When we're together, it's like the most amazing natural high I've ever experienced. She has transformed me into an extraordinarily confident, spiritual person within such a short amount of time, and for that I feel like I owe her so much. We have a billion inside jokes. I trust her with things I'd never tell anyone else. Christ, I love her.

But pretty much since the beginning of our friendship there has been this unsettling underlying current of knowing that at any moment, she could shut down. Just utterly block out me and the problems that I might be having, or refuse to let me in on what's going on in her life. It usually only lasts a week or so and then things go back to normal, but let me reiterate: SHE IS MY BEST FRIEND. It seems like a lot longer than a week when she's barely talking to me.

Today I semi-confronted her via Facebook after a week of her sort of blowing me off and then asking me to pray for her without saying why. Essentially all I said was, Look, I know something's bothering you, and if you're not going to talk to me about it, please just talk to someone about it. I legitimately care for this girl, and so while of course I want her to tell me about her problems, if it makes her uncomfortable to do that then I want her to seek help from someone else. I never in any way demanded that she tell me what was going on.

So, a little bit later some stuff shows up on my Newsfeed about her writing on another friend's wall. Her phone broke in October, I think, and I assumed she still didn't have a new one, because she hadn't been texting/calling me. But she offered to text her number to this other friend...as in, she does have a new phone, she's just deliberately cutting me out so I can't contact her.

I am obviously very hurt. I don't know if she realizes how much I care about her, how much I want her to be happy, and how terrible it makes me feel when she acts like our friendship doesn't exist. If she wants space, I wish she would just fucking tell me--I would give it to her, no questions asked. But this cryptic, let's-ignore-Caroline-so-I-don't-have-to-talk-to-her game is getting old.

I have a feeling things will resolve within a week or so. But after they do, I need to have a serious conversation with her, and tell her to please stop stomping on my feelings, please and thank you.

Night.